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Just As I Am

One for the Road
Damaged
Try Carter
Fear
An Intern's Guide to the Galaxy
Time of Death
White Guy, Dark Hair
A Shot in the Dark
'Twas the Night
Skin
Only Connect
The Providers
Middleman
Just As I Am
Alone in a Crowd
Here and There
Back in the World

Refusal of Care
Ruby Redux
You Are Here
Carter est Amoureux
The Show Must Go On

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Buy the Season 11 DVD

Episode 237 "Just As I Am" aka "Shortness of Breath"
Original Air Date: February 10, 2005
Written by: Lydia Woodward
Directed by: Richard Thorpe
Guest Stars:

  • Frances Fisher - Helen Kingsley (Kerry's Birth Mother)
  • Yvonne Arias - Ice Skater
  • Hildy Brooks - Mrs. Devon
  • Michael P. Byrne - Bulowski
  • Stephanie Courtney - Charlotte
  • Valerie Hubbard - Mrs. B
  • Neil Patil - Waiter
  • Jon Spinogatti - Bald Man
  • Grant Stokes - Doorman
  • Sarah Taylor - Lady in Restroom
  • Rob Wood - Guy with screwdriver

Staff:

  • Leland Orser - Dr. Dubenko
  • Eion Bailey - Dr. Jake Scanlon
  • Abraham Benrubi - Jerry
  • Troy Evans - Frank
  • Sara Gilbert - Jane Figler
  • Yvette Freeman - Haleh Adams

  • Laura Ceron - Chuny Marquez

  • Emily Wagner - Paramedic Doris Pickman


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Kerry stands outside looking at a hotel from across the street. She proceeds to walk towards it and enters through revolving doors and goes on the hunt for someone. She steps of an elevator and asks a bellboy where a room is. He points her in the right direction and she goes to the door and pauses for a minute. She knocks and a red haired lady named Helen comes to answer. Kerry tells her that she doesn’t want to leave it like they had and that all she wants Helen to tell her if it is that she will leave her alone and pretend they never even met. Helen stares at her longingly, but does not answer.

 

Sam and Susan head into work together. Sam seems cheerful as new snow begins to fall. She happily explains the properties of snow with Susan looking at her as if she is crazy. Susan asks her why the scientific explanation and Sam tells her that her and Luka were helping Alex with some homework. As Sam and Susan walk through the waiting room, a young girl gets their attention and asks how much longer it will be. Sam backs up and looks at a pretty deep gash in the woman’s leg, as the woman tells her it was from an ice skating accident. Sam tells her that she will come back and check on her and the lady thanks her. Neela and Abby walk down the hallway. Abby is talking about Jake and what level their relationship is currently at. Abby lets it slip that Jake has been staying with her at her place because of his long hours in his surgical rotation. Abby claims that it is easier for him to just stay with her since her place is so close. Neela asks her if it’s all about convenience and Abby shakes her head saying the do really like each other. Neela gets told useless and random Jake information by Abby. Abby realizes what she is doing and shuts up. Luka and Ray sign off on their charts and before Ray can leave Neela tells him to take the back stairs to the apartment because the ones at the front are frozen. He asks her why she didn’t shovel and she gives him an odd look. She also tells him the window in the kitchen wouldn’t close and there was also snow on the floor. She advises him to turn on the oven and melt it that way. Ray looks at Abby who quips that Neela used to be her roommate. Kerry hands out charts to various residents and interns. Jane sneaks in asking Neela why Kerry is working and Neela in turn asks Susan. Susan tells them Kerry does two shifts a month in the ER to keep on her skills and stay in touch with the needs of the department. Sam walks through admit and informs Susan that the ice skating girl is still waiting in chairs and Susan asks Frank to get a wheelchair, but Frank tells her there is a trauma coming in. Kerry continues assigning patients and tells Abby and Jane to go with her. When Kerry walks off, Neela converses with Carter about how hard it must be for Susan to watch Kerry take over the ER when she is working her 2 days a month. Carter smiles, telling her that Susan loves it and that it seems like a day off for her. Abby, Kerry and Jane help Doris the medic, bring in the trauma. Doris states that the patient is suffering from multiple stab wounds from a screwdriver. Pratt appears in behind them and complains about the snow and traffic. Kerry tells Pratt that her and Abby have it under control, and orders him to take Jane with him and examine a patient with Pick’s Disease. Pratt doesn’t look happy about having a student tag along with him, but ends up doing as told and walking with her down to the patient. Jane admits she knows nothing about Picks Disease and begins to ramble on about not knowing if school covered it in the first or second year. Pratt sighs annoyingly as they continue walking through the halls of County. Weaver examines the stab victim, who is mumbling drunken curses and then asks Abby to help her roll the patient over to check his back. Dubenko and Jake walk in and Dubenko can’t resist asking ‘Regular or Phillips head.’ Abby states that there are at least 20 puncture wounds, while Dubenko quizzes Jake on various medical terms and begins his own exam. Jake doesn’t seem to know very much of the answers because he seems distracted with Abby being there. Weaver compliments Jake on knowing about the pneumothorax, as does his teacher. Dubenko states that they will wheel him up to the ICU and keep an eye on him, however Kerry begs to differ saying that they can just put him in a regular bed because the patient was stable. Sam states that ICU beds are hard to come by and Kerry agrees saying that he doesn’t need one. Dubenko argues there are numerous problems that could arise, but Kerry snaps at him as Susan walks in. Abby suggests a compromise to keep the doctors away from each other’s throats. Susan tells Kerry that the lady with dyspnea was asking for her. Kerry tells everyone in front of Dubenko that the MSW will go to a non-surgical bed, and not to listen to any of Dr. Dubenko’s suggestions. Dubenko goes after Susan who curtly tells him ‘Don’t start’. He goes back into the trauma room and orders Jake to not let them move the patient until a foley, NR, 3 crits and a 4-hour chest film were completed. Before he walks out, Dubenko also tells Jake to suture the wounds. Jake asks him in disbelief ‘All 20 of them?’  Haleh gives Kerry the bullet on the patient with dyspnea, who’s name is Sharon. Kerry walks up to Helen and introduces herself. Helen looks at her not believing that she is Dr. Weaver, but covers saying ‘Of course your Dr. Weaver.’ Kerry tries to take a history, but Helen tells her she is fine and should go. As Kerry is examining Helen, she orders some tests and begins to leave but is stopped by Helen who asks her if she likes what she does. Kerry replies that she does very much like her job. Helen also asks if Kerry always wanted to be a doctor and Kerry states that she had ever since she was a little girl. Kerry walks in closer again and looks at her questioningly while Helen tells her that she was lucky to have the opportunity. Kerry questions her about what her deal is and Helen tells her that she really is fine. Kerry takes her exit but outside Helen’s room asks her to pull ‘Sharon’s’ records. Pratt and Jane examine Mrs. Devon, the lady with Pick’s Disease. It seems Mrs. Devon likes to repeat everything that Pratt says out loud. Mrs. Devon begins to worry about people showing up for the dinner party. Mrs. Devon’s daughter, Charlotte reassures her mother that everything will be fine. Charlotte explains to Pratt why she brought her mother in, while Mrs. Devon leans over to Jane asking her about the bathroom. Chuny takes her to the washroom while Charlotte continues to explain. She tells Pratt that her mother was in the kitchen preparing for an imaginary dinner party and thought she was cutting up chicken when really she was cutting her own hand. Pratt tells her they will fix up her mothers hand and asked Charlotte when the dyspnea symptoms started. Charlotte tells him that they started 2 years ago, but now that she has a family it’s getting too hard. Pratt doesn’t say anything but looks at Jane with a raised eyebrow. Kerry goes to admit and asks Frank about some test results she was waiting on for a patient. Pratt emerges and Kerry asks him about his Pick’s patient. Pratt hands it off to Jane to explain and she begins to recite all the symptoms Mrs. Devon has. Pratt interrupts telling Jane she did a good job, but Kerry asks Jane if she got that from Pratt’s teaching or if she read it off the monitor. Pratt replies that it doesn’t really matter since she is still learning. Kerry offers that Jane knows the facts but does not know how to handle the patient or any of the families concerns. Pratt tells Kerry that they will suture Mrs. Devon’s hand as soon as the medication kicks in. Kerry asks about the family, and Pratt tells her that Charlotte was looking into some nursing home facilities. Kerry thinks that Pratt should help, but Pratt tells her that is a social workers job. Kerry insists that he help out as he walks away. Weaver turns to Sam and asks her if the screwdriver-stabbing patient was sent upstairs yet, but Sam remarks that Dubenko wanted a few things taken care of first. Abby and Jake are talking playfully in drug lockup when she takes a swat at Jake and causes him to drop some IV bags. They both bend down and Kerry looks down at them. Jake and Abby make excuses as to why they are down there, while Kerry asks why the screwdriver guy hasn’t been moved upstairs yet. Jake tells her that he is working on it. Haleh walks up to Kerry telling her they have no records on Sharon. Haleh tells her that when she approached her on it, Sharon became panicked and wanted to leave immediately. Kerry walks with Haleh to Sharon’s exam room and sees Sharon has left. The patient in the bed next to Sharon tells Kerry that she bolted. Kerry goes out quickly to see if she can find her. Kerry goes outside and sees her leaving. Sharon says that she has never been to County before and confesses that Sharon is not really her name. Kerry looks on interested while the lady tells her that her name is actually Helen Kingsley, and she is Kerry’s biological mother.

 

Kerry walks to admit, with Helen standing close by. Kerry ignores Susan’s scheduling problem and tells Haleh to cancel all of ‘Sharon’s’ tests. Abby and Jake emerge and Jake tries to explain what Dubenko was doing. Kerry tells him not to worry. Abby asks if they should do a head CT, but Kerry ignores her too. Obviously distracted by the news she just received, Kerry walks over to Helen and they leave Susan, Jake and Abby staring at her in disbelief as she walks out. Kerry and Helen go to a diner to talk. Kerry asks Helen how she found her and Helen pulls out a letter that Kerry sent to her years ago. Kerry asks why she just didn’t write her back, but Helen states that she wanted to see her. She tells Kerry that she is in Chicago for a week, and Kerry realizes that Helen still resides in Indiana, which is close to Chicago. Kerry says that she could’ve come to Chicago hundreds of times. Helen apologizes, while a tearful Kerry says that she hired a private investigator to help her find Helen. In shock still, Kerry asks why she didn’t contact her sooner. Helen tells her that it was complicated and could not explain and that she understood that it wasn’t fair of her. She begins to gather her things to leave but Kerry pleads for her to stay. Kerry changes the subject to asking Helen if she always lived in Indiana. Helen explains that she originally was from South Carolina and that she was in Chicago with her church choir for a concert. Startled by how devout of a Christian her mother is, Kerry asks when the concert is. Helen checks her watch and states that the concert was the next day, but adds if she doesn’t get back her fellow choir members would begin to worry. She tells Kerry that she would like to talk to her again, and would like to call her once her rehearsal was done that afternoon. Kerry jots down a number she can call her at. Kerry gives the number to her and asks her if she will call. Helen tells her she will and gets up and leaves. Abby, Jake, Susan and Sam are working on a crashed patient. A chipper Kerry arrives asking if their screwdriver patient was having some problems. Susan states that it isn’t that patient. Kerry tells them that she heard that he was still in the ER and that there was a reason for that. Dubenko informs her that this was a motorcycle vs. tree patient. Kerry voices that the patient is bleeding from the head and belly and asks Jake what his plan was. He tells her, a head CT before heading up to the OR for an ex lap. Kerry smiles telling him ‘good call…if you want him to bleed out in the scanner.’ She continues to quiz Jake, as Susan and Abby look on less then thrilled. She asks Jake another question but he is too distracted by what he is doing to answer so Kerry asks Abby instead, but she doesn’t know either. Finally, Dubenko answers and Kerry looks at the team with annoyance. The team prepares to watch Jake insert a chest tube but Kerry stops asking if he has ever done the procedure. Abby looks at her and says that she supervised him putting in one last week. She asks her if she supervised while he was suppose to be inserting a gloved finger, but begins to stammer as she gets emotional. Susan tells Kerry that they have it under control, and realizing she was in over her head, she takes her exit. Susan asks Abby why Kerry is so upset with them, and gets nothing but silence for a reply. Carter checks in on a woman with neck pain as Neela assists. She tells them that she hurt her back helping her brother move. Her husband, who is standing beside her, tells Carter that his wife had an MRI last year and it found she had 3 slipped discs. Carter asks if there were any neuro findings, and Neela answers there was not. The woman’s husband keeps trying to add other conditions and Neela advises they start some morphine. The woman interrupts that morphine makes her sick to her stomach, while her husband tells the doctors that she can only take Demerol. Kerry walks in and listens, while Carter recommends administering Toradol. The wife claims she is allergic to Toradol while the husband insists she gets the Demerol. Kerry walks away and Carter and Neela also excuse themselves. Neela explains that the symptoms are similar to those of herniated disc syndrome. Carter scoffs that the woman is just a Demerol addict. As they reach admit, Neela tells Carter that there is no test they can do for her pain and that they should trust the patient. Weaver tells them both to give her the Demerol and get her out the door. She grabs a chart and walks away as Carter comments that Kerry likes to be involved in every case. Kerry finds Jane suturing up Mrs. Devon’s hand. She looks on and compliments her on her work. She asks Jane if Pratt showed her the two-layered repair, and Jane does not reply. Kerry then asks where Pratt is. Jane lies telling her that Pratt went to get some supplies. Kerry asks her where the daughter is and Jane backtracks on her first lie and says that Pratt is actually looking at skilled nursing homes with the daughter. Pratt presents some of his patients to Susan as Kerry walks up and asks Pratt why he is not supervising his student. Pratt tells her that he is busy treating other patients and adds that an intern should actually supervise Jane. Kerry voices that she asked him to do it. He rolls his eyes at Susan and walks away. Kerry tells Susan to stay on top of the residents and Susan tells her that they aren’t the problem. She looks at Kerry and reminds her of the break she took and concludes that Kerry should take another one. Kerry asks Frank if anyone called her and he tells her that no one has. She informs the people around her that she is leaving and asks Carter to take her charts. He willingly takes them all except the last one, stating that he cant believe she is signing off a spinal tap. Neela speaks up saying ‘So much for every case’. Kerry walks into a church and walks down the aisle and takes a seat. She listens to the choir sing, making eye contact with Helen. When the choir finishes, Kerry walks to Helen and tells her they sounded beautiful. Kerry notices that the other members had brought in their families, while Helen states that she has 2 other children. She sheds light on the other children’s information and adds that she is divorced. Kerry explains that she always thought of her mother living happily with her family, but Helen tells her that the divorce was not easy and that the church got her through some very hard times. Kerry looks away as Helen also tells her that she owns an auto part store. Kerry seems amused, as Helen tells her it was part of her divorce settlement. Kerry drops her crutch and Helen jumps to grab it and hands it back to her and asks why she needs it. Kerry tells her that its because she has ‘congenital hip dysplasia’. Helen seems stunned and begins blaming herself for giving it to her. Kerry insists that it isn’t clear as to how she got it. Helen tells her that she thought about what Kerry asked her back at the diner about why it took her so long to find her. She tells her that she recently found out that her father died, and Kerry looks at her in disbelief. Kerry says that her father died years ago and Helen tells her not her adoptive father but her biological father.

 

Kerry and Helen take a walk along a path, talking about her father and how they were so young when Helen got pregnant with Kerry. She tells her that her fathers name was Cody and that he worked at her father’s miniature golf course after school. Kerry asks for more details and Helen tells her that when she got pregnant that her parents threw a fit. She adds that’s when she went to Indiana to live near her aunt until Kerry was born. Kerry asks Helen if she ever wanted to keep her and Helen expresses that she and her father both did and they had everything all planned out. She tells her that there was no money and that the best thing she could do for Kerry was give her to parents that could give her what she needed. Kerry tells Helen that she loved her parents but that she always still felt rejection. Helen cries telling her that when Kerry was born they took her away so fast and that she never even got to hold her. Helen adds that no one told her that her baby had a birth defect. Kerry weeps that when she was younger she always thought the reason she was given away was because of her disability. Helen goes on to tell her that all of Jesus’ children are perfect. Kerry avoids what her mother just says and changes the subject back to her father. Helen tells her that she never saw him again, and when she heard of him passing that it ‘pressed a button’. Helen adds that she thought a lot about Cody over the years, but not as much as she thought about her. Kerry’s pager goes off and tells her it is work. Neela speaks with the Demerol seeking husband and wife. The husband is upset that they wont give his wife the drug. Carter joins the escalating argument and calls Neela away. Neela tells him that she is still in pain and Carter asks her if they know that they already gave it to her. But it comes to light that Neela was suckered into giving the wife another shot. Kerry arrives back at County looking incredibly happy and tells Frank she is back. Susan approaches and tells Kerry that when she told her to take another break that she didn’t mean it literally. Kerry apologizes for being gone so long and Susan tells her they have been getting slammed. Frank asks her if she is going out again and Kerry tells him she is. Susan looks on in shock, while Haleh brings her a chart on an obnoxious bald guy. Kerry offers to take it, so Susan hands her the chart with confusion. Kerry walks into the trauma room where Abby and Jake are laughing while suturing the screwdriver guy. Kerry asks where the obnoxious bald guy is and both of them nervously point to the next room. Kerry looks up and makes eye contact with him and he begins to yell that his head hurts and he wants something for the pain. Before going in to see him, she notices that the two are suturing the screwdriver guy. Jake takes full responsibility, but Kerry asks if Dubenko should be taking some of that responsibility. She adds ‘I hear everything Mr. Scanlon.’ Abby agrees that she does and Kerry asks when he will be moved. Jake tells her within 10 minutes and Kerry thanks him. She tells them to take care of the obnoxious bald guy when they are finished and exits. Jake looks at Abby asking if Kerry has multiple personalities. Ray arrives for his shift and Frank tells him he is not on that night. Ray tells him that Morris called in sick and he was covering for him. Frank hands Ray the chart on the drug seeking couple and tells him to review it and discharge them. Jane goes through the list of nursing homes with Charlotte, who seems grateful. Kerry spots Jane and she explains to her what she was doing. Kerry asks if Pratt is anyway involved in this case and Jane explains they are swamped and he is somewhat involved. Pratt comes along and looks at the sutures that Jane did on Mrs. Devon and is impressed. Pratt goes to sign off on her chart, but sees Mrs. Devon drop a box of Kleenex on the floor. After she does this repeatedly, he realizes he should just not give it back to her. He looks up to see Kerry and Jane smiling at him. Kerry walks into the lounge and sees Susan sitting in the corner working on some charts. Susan voices that she can’t believe Kerry is leaving again. Kerry asks her if she remembers Sharon from that morning and Susan does. Kerry tells her that Sharon is her real mother. Looking at her shocked she realizes why Kerry kept leaving and tells her to go. Kerry thanks her and says she will be back later to see how things are going. Kerry and Helen dine at a nice restaurant. Kerry asks her if there were any pictures of family and Helen tells her she wanted to hear about her childhood in Africa. Helen asks her what it was like living there and Kerry explains that being white was what made her different and they never seemed to notice her crutch. Kerry added that her parents were older and their health was never that good, so they moved to Minneapolis when she was 12. She tells Helen that when she was in college her parent's both died. Helen seems saddened that her parents never got to see her be the doctor that she was to that day. She tells Kerry that she knew that they would be proud of her and adds that she was. Feeling good, Kerry admits that her only regret was that her parents never got the chance to meet their grandson, Henry. Helen seems surprised that Kerry has a family. Kerry takes out a picture of her, Sandy and baby Henry and shows it to Helen. She smiles as she looks at the picture and states that she understands why Kerry needed a nanny, referring to Sandy. Kerry’s smile fades at the nanny comment, but she does not correct her on it. Helen asks if Kerry’s husband is a doctor also, and Kerry tells her that she is alone and there was an accident. Helen offers her sympathies and asks when it was. Kerry tells her that it was last year. Helen quotes a passage in the bible about faith, while Kerry stares blankly at her, realizing that her mother may not accept the fact that she was a lesbian.

 

Kerry cries in the bathroom of the restaurant, and when she returns she sits down and looks at pictures of Helen and Cody when they were young and she was pregnant with Kerry. Helen laughs as she looks at the photograph saying she wasn’t sure what they thought they had to smile about. Kerry pulls out her picture again and begins to explain that the lady in the picture was not her nanny, but rather her partner in life and love. Helen looks at her in shock asking her if she was saying that she is gay. Kerry tells her she is and Helen’s eyes drop. Kerry tells her that she wanted to tell her earlier but was afraid to. She adds that she never told her adoptive parents because they died before she fully understood who she was. Helen gasps and asks that her parents didn’t know she had made that choice and Kerry tells her it was not a choice she had to make and it was whom she was. Helen asks Kerry to pray with her but she pulls away saying that she doesn’t want to pray. Kerry gathers her things as Helen pleads with her to stay, but Kerry takes her exit. Helen follows an angry Kerry down the street telling her that she didn’t mean to offend her, but that she was glad that she found her. Kerry asks her if her sexual orientation changed that and Helen says that it is wrong and that’s not what God created. Kerry turns and mutters that this was a big mistake. Both mother and daughter argue over how gays are discriminated against and Helen looks at her sadly saying that she will walk back to her hotel. Ray checks in with Carter, saying that the drug seeking couple were in the turkey files in a hospital in Cleveland. Neela notes that they will not cure their drug habit by denying them the Demerol today. Ray asks Carter to discharge them to make Kerry happy, so he tells Neela and Ray to pay attention. Carter approaches the wife and tells her that he sees she is still experiencing pain. The wife tells him that she is feeling better but another shot would help even more. Carter tells them that when Demerol is administered too many times the patient can grow dependant on the drug. The husband curtly asks Carter if he is suggesting that his wife is an addict. He begins to get loud with Carter and Ray turns to call for security. The husband takes a swing at Carter who ducks to block it and returns to punch the husband. The wife jumps on Carter’s back and Ray comes in to peel her off. She grabs a bedpan and smacks Ray in the face with it, as Neela grabs a bedpan also and raises it above her head to strike the wife, but stops herself and asks ‘What in the hell am I doing?’ Security arrives as does Weaver who asks who was winning. Sam notes that Neela was about to hit someone with a bedpan. Frank is slightly amused and tells whoever is listening that he’s always wanted to see something like this happen. Weaver asks if everything is under control, and Frank says it is. He adds that he thought Weaver was finished for the day and she replies that she thought she was too. Jane pushes Mrs. Devon to the elevators. She is calling out for her daughter. Jane goes into detail about what was going on with Mrs. Devon but Pratt spots Kerry and excuses himself to go talk to her. Pratt brings Kerry up to date on Mrs. Devon and tells her that she can assign Jane to him anytime. Weaver agrees that Jane is good. Pratt informs her of the incoming trauma and Kerry chuckles when she hears it’s ‘fisherman vs. horse’. As Kerry walks out into the ambulance bay, she sees Luka walking in. She pays notice to him being in early. He tells her that since he’s working days and she’s is on nights they try to get in as much time as they can. Kerry gives him a genuine smile and walks away. We cut back to the beginning scene where Kerry stands in front of Helen’s hotel room after knocking. Helen lets her in and tries to make some coffee for them. Helen nervously tells her that when you come to the day, you play every scenario out in your mind. Kerry asks her about not being able to play this one out. Helen asks if it is because she gave her up, but Kerry tells her it’s not. Helen asks if it is because she didn’t come looking for her for so many years. Kerry explains that Helen does not get to get over her guilty feelings, because she turned out all right. She adds that if Helen was disappointed, it should be because of the limitations of her faith and not the way Kerry had lived her life. Helen quips that she was told that by giving up her child that was the right thing to do. Kerry ask her mother if she can accept her for who she was, and Helen tells her that she can love her, whoever she is. Kerry notes that she wants love with acceptance, and smiles peacefully. She embraces Helen and tells her what was so good to finally be able to meet her. She pulls back and leaves, walking back down the hotel hall to the elevators, which brought her up.

Reviewed by Kristyna on March 12, 2005

NBC Review

SHOCKED DR. WEAVER FINALLY MEETS HER BIRTH MOTHER - FRANCES FISHER GUEST-STARS -- Dr. Weaver (Laura Innes) encounters an evasive patient (Frances Fisher, "Titanic") who shocks her by revealing that she is her birth mother, who put her baby up for adoption at 15. As they spend time sharing their life stories, their budding relationship withers when Weaver confesses to her mother -- an evangelical Christian -- that she is gay. Elsewhere, Dr. Pratt (Mekhi Phifer) warily turns over an addled elderly woman to the care of Jane (Sara Gilbert) while Dr. Carter (Noah Wyle) causes a commotion when he confronts a couple hoping to scam some painkilling drugs. Sherry Stringfield, Goran Visnjic, Maura Tierney, Linda Cardellini, Parminder Nagra, Eion Bailey and Shane West also star. TV-14